Okay Class, settle down. Let me just say that I am so glad that you are all here this evening! Welcome back to the 2nd part of our parenting workshop, Teaching Your Kids the Birds and the Bees without the Butterflies. Unfortunately we had to terminate last week’s seminar a little early when Freda vomited. No worries, it’s common for parents to feel a little nauseous at the thought of explaining childbirth to their 5-year-old. Nice to see you back, Freda! I’m sure I speak on behalf of everyone when I say how much we admire your can-do attitude.
Let me begin our evening by acknowledging the great strides we are making in utilizing the correct anatomical names of body parts. Bobbi Sue, I am particularly delighted that you have overcome your discomf—
“I sure have! PENIS! Woot!”
Well Bobbie Sue, we definitely see that you’ve brought your comfort level up in that area. Just a little FYI for the remainder of the evening, it’s my understanding that the Veterans of Foreign Wars are meeting in the room next door. But, even still—you go girl!
Onto the topic of this evening’s lesson. I’m so excited for all of you because tonight I’m going to reveal to you the secret to eliminating any nervousness and anxiety you may experience when discussing sex and sexuality with your kids.
Quick! Your child asks you how a baby actually gets inside of the mom, how do you respond?
Ha! I’m just messing with you! But thanks for proving my point. Take it from me, these little gems will come when you least expect it. If your little one hasn’t already asked you a question that takes you off guard, trust me, he will. The thing is, if we are taken by surprise with a question like that, we’re going to get all awkward and weird. Of course, if we had a way to peek into the future and know when the embarrassing questions come at us, it would be much easier to be prepared with a wonderful answer. So the key is to ANTICIPATE the questions.
Just like a job interview, anticipating a difficult question and being prepared with a terrific response, makes you more comfortable. When you are comfortable, you are confident. Likewise, when you are a confident parent discussing sex, you send the message to your child that you know what you are talking about.
Now, everyone take a moment and formulate your very own response to that question. Once you know what you are going to say, it will be so much easier. Remember to start simple. If you decide to say, “God put it in there,” and they are totally content with that information, you can say a simple prayer of thanks that you dodged another bullet.
Spoiler Alert: Most 9-year-old’s won’t be satisfied.
What’s that, Bobbie Sue? Yes, this would be an awesome opportunity to use the word.
Okay, it’s time for role play. Freda, you’re looking a little woozy, you still in? Quick! Your child asks you what having sex is, how do you respond? Eliza, you wanna take this one?
Well, okay, there’s these two people, see, and, um, they’re in love. No, hold on! I want to make them married, and they’re naked and…well, oh they just do it, that’s all.
Okay, well I can see that this might take a few more practice sessions for us to get it down pat, but I definitely think we’re onto something, don’t you?